So Be It
by FlameMonarch
Summary: Loki searches for reassurance, and comes to a decision.


Loki is not a stupid man. Granted, he is not a "man" at all, but still, he is not stupid. The second that Jotun grabbed hold of his arm and the pale facade of Aesir flesh shattered, Loki knew the truth. He didn't need the All-Father to spell out all of the inane details to understand exactly what he was.

Jotun, Frost Giant, monster.

They returned, and Thor was banished from the golden realm. Loki nearly took the blame for Thor's rash idiocy yet again, but Odin hadn't even allowed him that-silencing him with a wordless scream as if his words weren't even worth hearing. How insulting to assume that he must always lie or speak with ulterior motives. He'd had something very important, truthful, painful, and personal to say, but never mind. They aren't worth it, he guesses. _Never mind_.

He wondered then, as never before, whether Odin would listen to him if he were truly his son instead of some worthless thing he'd scraped off his shoe one day and decided to keep. Was there was some innate unworthiness in a Jotun's words that made them not worth hearing? Was there some animal essence which the others could smell on him that made them hate him without even knowing why?

Thor's friends were upset when he told them that he was the one who betrayed their mission to the guard. It didn't matter that he saved all their lives in doing so, but, then again, he didn't expect it to. He's never been given the credit he deserves for anything in his life. Instead they fixate on Thor. Thor, who led you into enemy territory. Thor, who started a war on a whim and a petty insult. Thor, who laughed at your pain as Frost Giants hurls spears of ice at your hearts and the ground crumbled away beneath you and _you can't fly_ because _not everyone is like Thor_.

Thor, Thor, Thor. Always, always, always.

But Thor was gone now. His brother was alone on Midgard, punished for perhaps the first time in his life. He should be happier, but instead he just felt cold. Midgard is much different than here. Thor didn't know this, since he never studied, but they would find him quite strange. Would they lock him away? Would they hurt him for being different?

He didn't allow himself to think about it.

Loki had meticulously planned the whole debacle, from the Frost Giant invasion to Thor's atypical reaction, but it wasn't meant to go this far. Everything had spiraled out of control when that blasted guard had dallied too long before delivering his message. He should have known better, should have taken it into account that his words would be disregarded as they always are. This was his fault. Would they find out? Would they punish him? Would they _hate_ -?

He wouldn't allow himself to think about it.

"He may speak of the good of Asgard, but he's _always_ been jealous of Thor."

Always? Hadn't there been a time once, long, long ago, when things had been different? He remembers being happy, briefly. Maybe that's what hurts the most.

He couldn't allow himself to think about it.

His feet brought him to the library of their own accord. Realizing this, he knew immediately what he must do. He didn't, wouldn't, couldn't think about those things, because there was a much bigger question to be answered.

He pulled book after book, scouring the whole library wall-to-wall. Searching, searching, searching.

Searching for one mention, one paragraph, one sentence, one single _word_ that so much as implied that a Jotun could be anything more than a _cruel, cowardly beast with no heart._

He searched all night, until bells began to toll the sixth hour of the morning.

One, they chimed. Two...

Lok reached for one last book.

Three, four...

His eyes scanned furiously over the pages. Searching, searching...

Five...

Searching...

Six.

The book shut with a snap. The bells ceased. The room was encased in silence.

There weren't any. Not one.

He understood. He would find the Casket of Ancient Winters, and Odin would follow. He had to know if these stories-if _this_ is all Odin sees in him. And if it is, and all he sees is a monster...

Well then, so be it.


End file.
